A blog full of randomness; about anything and everything.

Monday, 24 May 2010


Ok ok I left a glass in my room over night, so sue me.

In my defence it was 2am and I'd had enough trouble stumbling to the kitchen to get the drink and wasn't about to go back. I didn't really see how it could cause anyone any offence. I was very wrong. Somehow the ants seemed to see it as sufficient provocation to launch a full scale attack on our house.

I awoke to find thousands of their soldiers swarming over the glass and parading under my door and up the bookcase. But if the ants thought I would give in and let our house be taken easily they were wrong. I grabbed the glass and ran out of my room, down the hall, through the living room and in to the kitchen, squealing all the way. Well wouldn't you when faced with million of these:

I dunked the glass in the sink and turned on the tap full blast. I then returned to deal with the stragglers with a hot damp cloth as that was the best thing I could think of at the time as I was pretty sure neither Cillit Bang nor Weed Killer would really do the trick. Upon returning I found that dealing with the stragglers might need a bit more than a cloth. This was a full blown invasion. The ant army had set up camp all along the hall and advance parties were already being sent out all over the house.

It was scary. There were so many of them. We didn't stand a chance. They laughed at my wet cloth. 'Ha ha,' they sneered, 'You can't win. We will be victorious.'

There was nothing for it. Reinforcements would have to be brought in. The ants must have partied as we left the house. I imagined them drinking and jeering about 'weak humans who don't fight back.' But once again they were wrong.

I returned several hours later ant traps and spray in hand. 'Is that it?' they laughed as ant traps were strategically placed.

'Right no more Miss Nice Guy!' I cried as I pulled a can of ant killing spray from behind my back. My finger poised over the trigger. 'This is your last chance. Leave or die.'

They ignored me.

With a cry of 'Take that you little fuckers!' My finger hit the trigger and a fine mist of toxic gas rained down on the battlefield.

This story concludes with this message to all ants: STAY OUT OR DIE A HORRIBLE DEATH

Also I have to admit the dinosaur story might not be ready for a while. But maybe if you're lucky I'll let you have a sneak preview.

And now an amusing aside: It's no wonder we didn't fancy finishing our drinks in Starbucks.


Matt the Ripper said...

Huzzah! Well done on repelling the invasion. I fear this may be but the start of the war, however. Soon enough, the Hive Mind will break out their Air Corps and attack you from all fronts! Be warned.

Don't go back to that Starbucks. It is a filthy place.

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