Drowned Rat

So you have an interview. You pull on your smartest outfit, attempt to brush your hair into some semblance of neatness, give up and opt for sticking it all up and out of the way and generally try and make yourself nice. Since you've put all that effort in for the interview you kind of hope you remain in that state until the end of the interview.

Well not if you're me. It all started off well - all the usual preparations ran smoothly and I dashed out the door at 7.45 and hurried along to get to the stop in time for the 8.15 bus. I huddled in my waterproof coat at the bus stop, the rain pounding down on the brolly but only had to wait 15 minutes for the bus. Because of course in bus timetable speak 8.15 means 8.30 unless you're running late then it means 8.10.

I thought the late bus would be the only problem I had to face but I was wrong. The bus was crowded and I perched on the edge of a seat as the old lady next to me was for some reason sat in the middle of the two seats with her bag next to her. So after a tour of the county turning what is a fifteen minute driver by car into an hour and fifteen minute trip.

The crowded bus on its convoluted route combined with interview nerves were gradually making me more and more annoyed so it didn't help that the bus was one of those buses that they've for some strange reason painted completely as an advert; this one was for the RAF and a plane had been painted across the windows making it impossible to see out. Helpful considering I wasn't familiar with the bus route or the area I was going so I had to try and guess when it was time for me to get off.

Eventually the bus arrived at my destination and I managed to find the right stop. My celebrations were short lived. The bus doors swung open to reveal a grassy verge. No pavement just a muddy swamp. Realising I had no choice I reluctantly stepped off the bus and was met by a large squelch. As I trudged through the marsh as quickly as possible towards some civilised tarmac I mourned my lovely shoes. For they were no longer black, they were brown with mud and soaking wet to boot. They will probably never be the same.

Thinking that there could be no more horrors other than another drenching as there was now only a twenty minute walk up a straight road separating me from the interview. Eighteen minutes later I was pretty confident of making it there in not too bad a state. Yes I was wet but the raincoat had mostly protected the coat and smart outfit underneath, the umbrella had stopped my hair from getting too wet and the rain had washed off a vast majority of the mud. What could possibly go wrong in two minutes?

It was then that I heard a car zooming up the road at about 60 miles an hour and before I could react it was shooting past me it's tyres causing the contents of a large puddle to fly up from the road and splash down over me like a waterfall. If my mouth hadn't of been full of dirty puddle water a yell of 'asshole' or similar would have been sent in the direction of the retreating BMW.

So I arrived at the interview sopping wet, for my raincoat and umbrella had been no match for the BMW induced tidal wave so I sort of just dripped over the floor as if I was melting, wanting to do nothing more than just burst into tears. I probably could of done; I was wet so wet no one would have noticed.

The Best Dinosaur Story Ever Told

Yes, the eagerly awaited epic is finally here. So sit back, relax and enjoy!

All the dinosaurs are Dino Land lived in families. They ate together, slept together and played together. In fact they did everything together.

However Little-O-Raptor didn't have a family. There were no other dinosaurs in Dino Land that looked anything like him. He ate alone, slept alone and played alone. In fact he did everything alone. And he was lonely. 

So one day Little-O-Raptor went in search of a family. 

First he approached the Brontosaurus family. 

"Excuse me," Little-O-Raptor said in a loud clear voice so that he would be heard by Mr Brontosaurus. Mr Brontosaurus was awfully tall. 

"Is that you down there?" Mr Brontosaurus replied.

"Yes it is Mr Brontosaurus. I have no family and I am all alone. Can I join your family please?"

"Join our family?! Why of course not. Your are too small Little-O-Raptor."

"But I could grow," Little-O-Raptor protested.

"I don't think so," Mr Brontosaurus chuckled, "Your legs are too short to keep up with us and your neck is not long enough to reach our food. You cannot be a member of the Brontosaurus family."

With a sigh Little-O-Raptor waved goodbye to the Brontosaurus family and continued on his journey.

Next he met the Velociraptor family.

"Excuse me," Little-O-Raptor said approaching Mrs Velociraptor.

"Oh hello Little-O-Raptor, can I help you?" Mrs Velociraptor said with a smile.

"Hello Mrs Velociraptor. I have no family and am all alone. Can I join your family?"

"Join our family?! Why of course not! You are too slow Little-O-Raptor."

"But I could learn to run fast!" Little-O-Raptor protested.

"I don't think so," Mrs Velociraptor chucked, "You're legs are too stumpy you would not be able to run as fast as us. You cannot be a member of the Velociraptor family." 

With a glum look Little-O-Raptor waved goodbye to the Velociraptor family and continued on his journey. 

Next he met the Pterodactyl family. 

"Excuse me," Little-O-Raptor yelled up into the sky.

"Hello down there Little-O-Raptor!" called Grandfather Pterodactyl. 

"Hello Grandfather Pterodactyl. I have no family and am all alone. Can I join your family?"

"Join our family?! Why of course not! You have no wings Little-O-Raptor," 

"But I could grow some!" Protested Little-O-Raptor.

"I don't think so," Grandfather Pterodactyl chuckled. "You would not be able to fly here and there with us. You cannot be a member of the Pterodactyl family."

Feeling very sorry for himself Little-O-Raptor waved goodbye to the Pterodactyl family and carried on his journey.

Next he came across the Tryannosaurus Rex Family.

"Excuse me," Little-O-Raptor said rather nervously from behind a bush.

"Little-O-Raptor is that you behind that bush?" Grandmother Tyrannosaurus Rex said peering through the leaves.

"Yes it is Grandmother Tyrannosaurus Rex. I have no family and I'm all alone. Can I join your family?"

"Join our family?! Why of course not! You are not scary enough Little-O-Raptor."

"I can be scary!" protested Little-O-Raptor, demonstrating his scariest roar.

"I don't think so," chuckled Grandmother Tyrannosaurus Rex, "Your are not tall and scary with big sharp teeth. You cannot be a member of the Tyrannosaurus Rex family!"

Wiping a tear from his eye Little-O-Raptor waved goodbye to the Tyrannosaurs Rex family and continued on his journey.

He had been walking for ages and had not seen another dinosaur. He was beginning to despair when he found himself looking upon an island he had never seen before.

The island was full of bright plants and palm trees.

"Perhaps my real family are on that island!" Little-O-Raptor said excitedly to himself.

Carefully he made his way across the stepping stones. It was very hard as Little-O-Raptor is awfully small and the stepping stones were very slippy.

The sea rushed past the stones and waves crashed against them. Little-O-Raptor was very scared but he was also very brave.

Eventually he made it to the other side safely.

With a smile he waved goodbye to Dino Land and continued on his journey.

It wasn't long before he met another dinosaur. He had never seen this dinosaur before.

"Excuse me," said Mystery-O-Raptor.

"Hello I'm Little-O-Raptor,"

"Hello Little-O-Raptor, I'm Mystery-O-Raptor. I have no family and am all alone. Can I join your family?"

"Join my family?! Why of course! I'm looking for a family as well."

"I can be your family!" cried Mystery-O-Raptor.

"I think so," chuckled Little-O-Raptor, "Together we can be a family."

So, each with a smile on their faces they waved hello to each other and continued into the sunset together.

They lived happily ever after as a family. They ate together, they slept together and the played together. In fact they did everything together. 

The trouble with being short

So my local Tesco have finally seen fit to start stocking SFX, which is possibly the best magazine in the world so why they didn't stock it beforehand is beyond me. The only problem is they have decided that the best for it is on the very top shelf at the very back. Brilliant.

I spent a whole fifteen minutes whilst slurping my Iced Caramel Latte in Costa trying to work out how I could get it down. My plan mainly involved stacking the chairs from Costa on top of an upturned trolley.

Thankfully I had discarded this plan by the time I had finished my refreshment and so instead set off in search of a member of staff. Luckily my first encounter with the this rare species was a lanky six foot spotty youth, perfect for retrieving my prize from the top shelf for me.

"Excuse me," I said, startling the creature from deep in his own thoughts, "Can you get SFX magazine down from the top shelf please?"

He grunted a reply that I translated as "What?". 

"SFX. It's a magazine. And it's on the top shelf where I can't reach it." I even pointed to back up what I was saying. 

"The top shelf?" 

"Yes the top shelf."

He eyed me suspiciously, "Ok then, if you're sure."

I resisted the temptation to inform him I had never been so sure about wanting a magazine in my life. For Torchwhood, Scott Pilgrim, Batman and a host of other geek pleasures lay within it's pages. 

He easily reached the top shelf but my prize was not won yet. 

"Any particular copy you want?" 

"Well considering there is only one SFX magazine up there I think I'll have that one please."

He scooped it up and peered at the cover with a smirk. Unfortunately my patience with the spotty oink had run out and I snatched the magazine from his grubby mitts and headed for the till before anything else could get in my way. 

Now I'm just wondering why Tesco thinks that all geeks are very tall. For I saw no other reason for it's top shelf position. There was no explicit content on the front not that that seemed an issue as the copious amounts of men's magazines like Nuts and Zoo as well as magazines filled with scantily clad males were all at my eye height and therefore clearly visible to any passing children. Although I suppose I should not complain as now I can at least buy SFX and read it on time instead of waiting for it to be passed on to me because I can't afford to buy it after I've paid to get into Bristol to purchase it.