The Best Dinosaur Story Ever Told

Yes, the eagerly awaited epic is finally here. So sit back, relax and enjoy!

All the dinosaurs are Dino Land lived in families. They ate together, slept together and played together. In fact they did everything together.

However Little-O-Raptor didn't have a family. There were no other dinosaurs in Dino Land that looked anything like him. He ate alone, slept alone and played alone. In fact he did everything alone. And he was lonely. 

So one day Little-O-Raptor went in search of a family. 

First he approached the Brontosaurus family. 

"Excuse me," Little-O-Raptor said in a loud clear voice so that he would be heard by Mr Brontosaurus. Mr Brontosaurus was awfully tall. 

"Is that you down there?" Mr Brontosaurus replied.

"Yes it is Mr Brontosaurus. I have no family and I am all alone. Can I join your family please?"

"Join our family?! Why of course not. Your are too small Little-O-Raptor."

"But I could grow," Little-O-Raptor protested.

"I don't think so," Mr Brontosaurus chuckled, "Your legs are too short to keep up with us and your neck is not long enough to reach our food. You cannot be a member of the Brontosaurus family."

With a sigh Little-O-Raptor waved goodbye to the Brontosaurus family and continued on his journey.

Next he met the Velociraptor family.

"Excuse me," Little-O-Raptor said approaching Mrs Velociraptor.

"Oh hello Little-O-Raptor, can I help you?" Mrs Velociraptor said with a smile.

"Hello Mrs Velociraptor. I have no family and am all alone. Can I join your family?"

"Join our family?! Why of course not! You are too slow Little-O-Raptor."

"But I could learn to run fast!" Little-O-Raptor protested.

"I don't think so," Mrs Velociraptor chucked, "You're legs are too stumpy you would not be able to run as fast as us. You cannot be a member of the Velociraptor family." 

With a glum look Little-O-Raptor waved goodbye to the Velociraptor family and continued on his journey. 

Next he met the Pterodactyl family. 

"Excuse me," Little-O-Raptor yelled up into the sky.

"Hello down there Little-O-Raptor!" called Grandfather Pterodactyl. 

"Hello Grandfather Pterodactyl. I have no family and am all alone. Can I join your family?"

"Join our family?! Why of course not! You have no wings Little-O-Raptor," 

"But I could grow some!" Protested Little-O-Raptor.

"I don't think so," Grandfather Pterodactyl chuckled. "You would not be able to fly here and there with us. You cannot be a member of the Pterodactyl family."

Feeling very sorry for himself Little-O-Raptor waved goodbye to the Pterodactyl family and carried on his journey.

Next he came across the Tryannosaurus Rex Family.

"Excuse me," Little-O-Raptor said rather nervously from behind a bush.

"Little-O-Raptor is that you behind that bush?" Grandmother Tyrannosaurus Rex said peering through the leaves.

"Yes it is Grandmother Tyrannosaurus Rex. I have no family and I'm all alone. Can I join your family?"

"Join our family?! Why of course not! You are not scary enough Little-O-Raptor."

"I can be scary!" protested Little-O-Raptor, demonstrating his scariest roar.

"I don't think so," chuckled Grandmother Tyrannosaurus Rex, "Your are not tall and scary with big sharp teeth. You cannot be a member of the Tyrannosaurus Rex family!"

Wiping a tear from his eye Little-O-Raptor waved goodbye to the Tyrannosaurs Rex family and continued on his journey.

He had been walking for ages and had not seen another dinosaur. He was beginning to despair when he found himself looking upon an island he had never seen before.

The island was full of bright plants and palm trees.

"Perhaps my real family are on that island!" Little-O-Raptor said excitedly to himself.

Carefully he made his way across the stepping stones. It was very hard as Little-O-Raptor is awfully small and the stepping stones were very slippy.

The sea rushed past the stones and waves crashed against them. Little-O-Raptor was very scared but he was also very brave.

Eventually he made it to the other side safely.

With a smile he waved goodbye to Dino Land and continued on his journey.

It wasn't long before he met another dinosaur. He had never seen this dinosaur before.

"Excuse me," said Mystery-O-Raptor.

"Hello I'm Little-O-Raptor,"

"Hello Little-O-Raptor, I'm Mystery-O-Raptor. I have no family and am all alone. Can I join your family?"

"Join my family?! Why of course! I'm looking for a family as well."

"I can be your family!" cried Mystery-O-Raptor.

"I think so," chuckled Little-O-Raptor, "Together we can be a family."

So, each with a smile on their faces they waved hello to each other and continued into the sunset together.

They lived happily ever after as a family. They ate together, they slept together and the played together. In fact they did everything together. 

'This swimming costume cost me £20 and currently about £15 of it is up my ass' and The Raptor Look

So we went swimming yesterday. Well when I say swimming I don't actually mean we did any swimming as the pool a) isn't big enough and b) isn't deep enough. What we did do is slide down numerous slides, jump a multitude of waves and collect an impressive set of bruises. 

There were four slides or flumes as I believe they are better known. Number one was a little tame - open air and a little slow, number two was much better - fast and in the dark. And the best bit is neither drop out straight into the pool (as I mentioned it's pretty damn shallow so that would be rather painful!) You come out into an extra long bath full of water (I'm sure it has a more technical name) which you always end with most of the water in that bath up your nose or in your mouth. Both also cause severe bruising to your elbows and your back.

Finally there was the best slide, flume, thing, whatever. It's a rubber ring slide. You float along a winding course of tubes around the swimming building, occasionally being pushed up hill before crashing down a massive hill at the end and into the extra long bath of water at the end. Fun. Apart from the bruises. And the fact that £15 of your £20 swimming costume will end up your ass. Even worse if you're wearing a two piece costume. Somehow you end up at the end with them simultaneously having gone up and come down which means you have to attempt to do some adjusting before you get off the rubber ring at the bottom. And if you're like me this was definitely mean that you fall out of the rubber ring whilst doing so. At least I didn't come off my rubber ring half way round the course like one guy did. His rubber ring came floating down minus its rider which meant the water got stopped and the lifeguard from the top and to walk the course from the top to rescue him. It looked quite fun as the life guard got to slide down the last bit on his bum. 

I said four slides, didn't I? I think I got a bit excited and counted the kids tiny slide. That was fun; we played on it when they shut the main slides. 

Now the pool that isn't deep enough for swimming primarily functions as somewhere to catch some waves. When you hear the lively tones of the Beach Boys 'Surfin' USA' you rush to the pool and jump some waves. Or you're so busy laughing at your friend's face that you get knocked down by the wave and end up swallowing all the water in the pool. 

Seriously though her face was frakking hilarious. You should have seen it. It was somewhere between a 'I'm being mauled by a shark' look and a Raptor look because there were arms involved. I think the only way to illustrate how amazing it was is to draw it. And the only away to do it justice is to do it in the MS paint style of the amazing Hyperbole and a half. 

Please note the blatant raptor hands. 

Oh ok it was a lot funnier than that; my paint skills just leave a lot to be desired. 

Now I shall run away quickly before my drawing skills scare you off. Plus I need to do a lot of baking for the parentals are descending and its my birthday!